:'(

I am having a hard time coping. I know you cared about me. I am really grateful for that. I am sorry if my words hurt you in any way. Deep down inside, I know I love you. You know that I love you too. I have been doing nothing but cry and wonder. I can't take this anymore. It breaks me up. My heart shattered. I feel empty and hollow inside. My heart aches to be heard. It feels heavy, it feels as if it weighed a tonne. I wish I was stronger. I wish I was stronger to face it. And I wish I was stronger to accept the love that you gave me.

Time and time again, I felt like a burden to everyone. Even though you said I am not, I feel like I am one. I couldn't help but to think that way. Maybe it's because I have been a burden to my family since young. Being born early, being sick all the time, watching my parents worry over me, it all seems as if it is my fault; for not being a strong baby at birth.

Growing up, I tried to prove that I am a normal baby. I would hide from them when I am sick. I dealt with it myself. But all I got was being sicker and being sent to the hospital for weeks. There was once where I ran away from home for 2 days. I went with no food, no shelter, no warm blanket, no one. I was alone. I slept in the playground, in the cold, in the rain. Perhaps I was rebellious, perhaps, I just want to prove to them that I can. Or perhaps, I just wanted their attention. It was because they put so much attention and time on my brothers that I felt neglected. I yearned for the love they gave to my brothers.

I know that as a kid, I am different from the rest. When everyone in kindergarden was playing blocks and singing songs, I was reading books. Books after books. When they are watching cartoons, I was watching National Geographic and Discovery Channel. Not that I don't enjoy cartoons, I do. I just prefer documentaries. Because in my mind, they are filled with questions. And I wish to seek answers.

In year 2000, I begged daddy to take me to have my IQ tested. I know I am amongst the top. I want to prove to them that I am. I scored 169 in the IQ test. Daddy was shocked. He didn't realize I was different. At one point when I was young, about 4 or 5 years old, he said to me, "You are my baby and one day, you are going to show the world what you are made of." I remember those words very vividly and I repeated those words to him again and said, "I am your baby and I am going to show the world what I am made of. And most of all, make you proud of me some day." He hugged me, and cried. And that was when I knew daddy loves me very much.

June 2007, daddy told me in the car one day on the way to school, "I am going to be stationed in JB for work and I won't be home that often. Take good care of the family, mommy and your brother. I know you can." Daddy had so much faith in me. Knowing I am still young, he still puts such heavy responsibilities on my shoulders. At that moment, I just broke down and cried. Daddy is going away. I could not imagine myself living at home without him. The first few weeks was hard for me. I would cry everyday and I began to reminisce the old times when daddy was there for me, with me, singing songs while tucking me to sleep, caring for me when I was sick. And then I realized again, daddy was always there for me. I just didn't realize it. Up until now almost a year daddy left for JB, I still wished he hadn't leave. It has been hard on me.

February 2008, mommy was diagnosed with RA. I was stricken with leukemia. Although I was tired and worn out from chemo, I accompanied mommy to the doctor, and stayed with her when she needed me. Thank God Jin was there to help drive around. I felt my responsibilities were shared. Now that he is gone, the full responsibilities fall back on me again. At one point mommy was bedridden. It shattered my heart to see her in pain, and I wished the one suffering was me instead of her. I would rather her be healthy and I would bear all pain and sufferings of this family. I cried every night beside her as she goes to sleep, not knowing if tomorrow would be a better day for her. And then school starts, more workload. I juggled between school, house chores and looking after mommy and tutoring my brother when he needs help. I didn't have time for myself. Looking back, I seriously had no idea how did I cope with all those.

Now, months passed. I am completely wiped out. I am not sure if I am sane anymore. I have been failing in class and that is not a good thing. I am pressured, I know I am. But I don't want to vent out my anger on anyone. I try to keep my cool. But I am slipping, I can no longer tolerate these. I tried, but, I am not so sure of myself now.

I hope you do understand what I am going through. It is hard for me. Whatever I have done wrong, please forgive me. I am not really sane these days. I am not myself completely. I am sorry if I ever hurt you. The last thing I want from you is disappointment. I don't want you to be disappointed with me. Anyone, but you. It just hurts me when you said that. It really did.