When enough is enough

It has been some time since I was last heard. Finally, I can write again. Last week was a living hell for me. The second cycle of chemotherapy really brought me to the ugly side of the treatment. Every side effect they had listed in the numerous articles did appear.

I still can’t properly eat anything. My stomach has not come back. It has got no capacity to hold the food being put into it. Seems like it's mobile and spacious inside, any toss or turn, will cause vomiting.

I have made up my mind, whatever the result is, the chemo has to stop. And I am going to have the chemo port removed too. It’s one big psychological aspect for me. Every time I see the chemo port, my brain went down. It seems like a symbol of sickness to me. I am going to have it removed ASAP and pronounce myself cured and healthy.

I really don’t have the courage or the endurance to go for another cycle. More cycles would have made me weaker physically and mentally. Yes, I am weakened, I am flawed, not as strong as it seems. I am scarred. And I am scared.

It’s impossible to relate the experience with words. It’s like losing touch with your body. Everything seems missing and not working. You could not feel any of your organs. No one would want to live in this kind of life. It’s a mental torture to wait for the cytotoxic to drip into your body, knowing that it will harm your body. For the past 5 days, I spent more than 8 hours daily waiting for the drip to finish into the body. Enough is just enough. I nearly lost my sanity for that. Yes, I have even contemplated suicide. But I am not satisfied if I die now. There are lots of stuff I have not completed. At the very least, I can still spread joy around. No matter how long I still have, I want to spend it meaningfully, spend it wisely and spend it courageously, for my life is mine to live.

All I am confident is that things should not have been so bad. Something might have been wrong some where. God loves me; He granted me good brain, good life, luxuries, abundance and caring friends all around. Of course life has not been always smooth sailing, but wouldn’t it be unfair to me? All I asked for now is to be able to lead a normal life again. I want to put all these behind.