Sunday

Today is Sunday, guess what...BORED... this is the first time after so many days; I finally successfully wear a T shirt. This is because they have open up a hole on my chest, somewhere near my right collarbone and right annex. A chemo port is inserted, it’s something like a 20cents coin in size but it’s bulky, so there seems to be a swell at the area, imagine half a ping pong ball inserted. The 2 inches wound is still prominent. But wearing a T shirt is much more comfortable, compared to those shirts in hot weather. Well, the right arm movement is still restricted, and I don’t dare to take something heavy for fear that the “ping pong ball” could fall out. Sometimes, my back itch and I very much wanted to scratch with my right hand but I can’t reach. I miss my right hand, arm, limb and all.

First week, Monday till Friday, daily full blown chemo for more than 10 hrs each day. 2 bags of cytotoxin (chemo drug) measured at 1009 ml and 535 ml each and 8 bags of normal saline at 500ml each. These are being pumped in the body. The worse is when you see those liquid being pumped in to the body nonstop drop by drop, drip by drip. First day has already vomited trice. And I really look like a zombie. Appetite is completely gone.

I was discharged on Friday, the eyes could not see stuffs more than few metres away, and there is no chance that I would go blind. I blame them on the lack of blood count and oxygen in the blood. Everything looks blurred. I can’t even walk straight. And my legs shake whenever I try to stand up or start walking. It feels like jello. The next day, Saturday, was the worse. Everything inside my body seems mixed up, I could not feel my stomach, and even taking a sip of water seems hellish enough. I had to sit straight, continuously smacking myself on the chest to make myself burp, seems like the stupid water needs to find my stomach to settle itself. The eyes have to be kept shut at all times as mere light into the eyes caused dizziness. And there are lots of air in the body and everything being eaten could not settle. Bottom line, ALL STUCK!!

That is when I broke down for the first time since the ordeal. I kept on asking myself what the heck have I done to deserve all these. I wanted to stop going back for treatment. It was terrible. The heart has broken in two. Conscience and conscious is combining well to win me over again. One is telling me that I am better off compared than most others suffered from the same thing. One is telling me to continue fighting and at least keep going for the sake of those who care for me. And I am definitely lucky for that I had a lot. Few more tears, I am back standing. I guess that’s when my mind reset itself like we all used to. Pause and cry whenever you needed a break.

Guess what, the doctor told me this; “The going is gonna get tough from here.” This is when I would be really drained and tired approaching weekend. Thus, needed 2 injections, a metabolism control drug and a booster to sustain my energy level throughout the week. Nothing could have been worse than last Saturday. There, the nurse inserted the needle connector to the chemo port. Was supposed to have 1 hour drip at the day care center. But waiting for the 1 bag of cytotoxic and 1 bag of normal saline to go into the body seems like forever. In the end, it took 2 hours to complete. And that’s one bad experience which I had to endure again. The view of so many people going through chemo, all in horrible shape and condition really scares me and shaken me till the bone.

p/s: To all my friends I had directly or indirectly “sound” (with or without “ed”). I am truly SORRY, do forgive me. It could be the medication, the mood really swings. I know you really care for me. But can I ask for a favor? Can we stop asking how are you? I dunno. It seems to be reminding me that I am sick. Last time, we don’t ask how am I doing. A simple “Hi” will do.